The following is a guest post submitted by Lyn87:
It seems that people in general – and women in particular – have unrealistic ideas about what they can expect in a mate. Most guys I knew when I was single in the 1980′s didn’t have a long list of “must haves” for prospective wives. They dated around until they found somebody they liked, and things progressed (or not). If they did they got married.
I can’t speak with any authority about how things were before feminism, but women today tend to have long lists of “must haves” for men they will consider for marriage. There’s nothing particularly wrong with that – as long as the list is reasonable and the woman is “in the same league” as the men who have those attributes.
And therein lies the problem. Feminism and the church have taught women that they are all special snowflakes who deserve the very best. After all, if you are a smart, sassy, “Daughter of the King,” then nobody is out of your league. But there are a finite number of Prince Charmings to go around, and not every girl gets to be Cinderella. The heretical “prosperity gospel” has spilled over into the mating dance, too, and they think that it is God’s will that they meet and marry a man who will make them deliriously happy for the rest of their lives. I don’t see anywhere in scripture where God wants us to be unhappy, but in the grand scheme of things God cares a lot more about our holiness than our happiness.
Today’s Churchian woman feels that she should be able to go to the “Good Man Store” and pick out a husband like she would pick out a pair of shoes. A lifetime of consumerism has taught her that, when she wants something, she can just go to a store or a website, find exactly what she wants, and effortlessly acquire it. If it costs more than she can afford today she can just swipe the plastic. Almost nothing she wants is really out of her reach. There’s little thought that the best things cost more, because cost rarely figures into her day-to-day calculus of living. She gets what she wants and the link between showing up at her job and the ability to swipe the plastic is, at best, tenuous in her mind.
She think husbands should be like that: a wide variety of desirable men sitting on a shelf waiting for her to decide that she wants one; readily available for her to choose the one she wants – with a half-conscious thought that she will have to give something in return… maybe a little bit over the next fifty paydays: so little she’ll hardly notice it.
But marriage is more like a cash-and-carry transaction. What she brings to the table today largely limits what she can get today – and there is no “Good Man Store” with every make and model for her to choose from. It’s much more like an auction, and the auctioneer is less interested in what she wants than in what she can spend today.
What she can spend today is just a way of approximating a woman’s value as a potential wife. If she has low “potential wife value” she’s not going to be in contention for the highest quality husbands. Those men will go to higher bidders – i.e., women with higher “potential wife value” than she has. Feminism and the church have done young women no favors by convincing them that they deserve the very best of everything – and that getting the perfect husband is a realistic expectation for every one of them – no matter what she has done or failed to do herself. God wills it! after all, or so they have been led to believe.
The constant lament has been that there are simply not enough suitable men to go around for all the wonderful women just ready to scoop them up. Since it is impossible to contemplate that young women just miiiiight be part of the problem, it must be that the current generation of young men is comprised of basement-dwelling, beer-swilling, porn-addled, video game junkies. Leaving aside the fact that this is the result of 50 years of feminism, single motherhood, no-fault divorce, heresy, and legal misandry, so what? Wishing things were different doesn’t make them so – and telling them to “Man up!” is a chump’s game – they have learned that the rules have changed by watching their fathers, uncles, brothers, and friends go through the meat grinder (in court and in church) and they want no part of it. They may be ready some day – but not today: and they have no desire to sit on a shelf (unattached) waiting for some smart, sassy, “Daughter of the King” to stop shagging bad boys just before her fertility grinds to a halt and she decides that she wants to be June Cleaver for a while.
Think of “potential wife value” (and, for that matter, “potential husband value”) as bell curves. Most people fall in the middle, and the farther you go toward the extremes the fewer people there are. A woman of average “potential wife value” is in contention for a man of average “potential husband value.” She is no more likely to marry the perfect man than he is to marry the perfect woman.
The difference is that most guys know they aren’t going to marry a perfect woman. Churchian girls – “Daughters of the King” – expect better for themselves. No average beta chump for her: she has a list, and the guys who are her peers on the bell curve don’t measure up. So she sets her sights on the men at the upper end of the scale. Most of us here are familiar with the “Apex Fallacy” so I won’t go into it here, but most guys are invisible to her, and she actually thinks she’s in the same league as the top men who can pick nearly any woman they want.
How skewed is their outlook? Let’s do the math.
Women frequently say that they want a “nice guy.” They don’t – but they think they do. We know they don’t because most of us were nice guys who watched most of them go for dirt-bags, druggies, players, and thugs while we played Dungeons and Dragons with our friends because we didn’t have dates – until we got savvy to the actual, unwritten rules of the game, anyway.
But let’s say that these women have been played out enough to have outgrown their fascination with unsuitable men and really do want a nice guy. What percentage of guys is “nice?” Since they always complain that they are rare, let’s be generous and say that 30% of unattached guys are “nice”- whatever that means.
But “nice” alone won’t cut it for a smart, sassy, “Daughter of the King.” He has to be overtly attractive or she won’t even notice him. By definition, half of the people are average or above, so it cannot be more than 50% of those left. There was a study a while back about preferences in internet dating, and women only considered about 20% of men to be attractive. Let’s go with that number: 20 % of men are physically attractive to women.
Of course he has to be a Christian, too, or at least not overtly anti-Christian. Let’s be generous and say 20% of men are at least nominally Christian. I pulled that number out of the air, and I suspect it’s probably high, but let’s give the girls a break on that one.
He also needs to make decent money. Middle class at least, and college-educated is preferable. Shall we say 40% make enough money to support a “Daughter of the King?” Again, that may be generous.
Where does that leave our pining princesses? 30% x 20% x 20% x 40% is just a hair under ½ of 1%. In other words, assuming the traits are spread evenly among all available men, only one single man in 200 will possess all four of those “must-have” traits.
There’s another problem, of course: Christian men who are in the top half-percentile of “potential husband value” tend to be taken off the market by high-value marriage-minded Christian women. (Non-Christian men with very high mate value tend to become man-whores and thus unsuitable for Christian women anyway.) So the real number is not one in 200, but even lower than that – perhaps a lot lower.
And we have not even talked about height.
The numbers don’t lie: this is going to get ugly, and a bunch of Churchian Cinderellas-in-training are going to have to cash a reality check before it’s over. Since Christians and the legal system frown on polygamy, the vast majority of women are not going to get the man they have been led to believe is sitting on a shelf (next to the perfect matching shoes and handbag) waiting for her to choose him.
If a woman wants that, and truly will not settle for less, she needs to ensure that she is in the top half percentile of eligible women: otherwise the men she wants can – and will – pair off with better women (if they choose to pair off at all). Being a smart, sassy “Daughter of the King” by itself won’t cut it: churches are colleges are filled to overflowing with women like that. (A lot of them let the “one non-negotiable” attribute – Christianity – go by the wayside, and up, Up, UP goes her N-count.)
Men and women with high potential mate value can be pretty choosy, because there are always people who want them. Churchian girls are taught that they get to choose but not that the top men (the ones they think are waiting for them) also get to choose – and if they want to be chosen they have to possess the attributes that the top men seek in potential wives.
What sort of things do choosy men generally select for? I’m undoubtedly going to inject some personal bias here. Once I learned the rules of the game I became the kind of guy that women say they want, and I married VERY well – my wife of 25 years is easily in the top 1% of the top 1% in “wife value.” When I was 18 I couldn’t get a date to save my life – at 24 I was swatting away all but relatively high-quality women like flies at a picnic.
Attractiveness. There’s not much you can do about that, but at a minimum don’t be fat. And yes, Ladies, “fat” is a choice.
Pleasant demeanor. Learn to smile and banish our inner shrew. Be a good feminine companion – he already has guy friends.
Not a slut, or a “reformed” slut. Your N-count ought to be zero, especially if the guy waited. HE didn’t have to wait for you, but if he did, you better have waited too. And if you have a lot of emotional or physical baggage from that (lack of pair-bonding ability or illegitimate children), you’re almost certainly going to have to adjust your self-assessment of your “potential wife value” downward.
Christianity. Non-negotiable if he’s a serious Christian himself.
Youth. Relatively speaking, of course. Few men marry women who are more than a year or two older than they are, and if he wants children you should be young enough to bear them safely.
What don’t they care about?
Your education. Really ladies, most men don’t really care a lot about that, unless you’re going to be working and you have a degree in something useful.
Your accomplishments. First chair flute in the college band, you say? Yawn.
The bottom line is that a Churchian woman who has swallowed the line that she can do as she pleases during her 20’s – when she is at the height of her lifetime Sexual Market Value – who expects to find an attractive, successful, nice, tall, Christian man just waiting to wife her up in her late-20’s when she decides to hop off the carousel is very likely to be disappointed with the quality of men who take an interest in her. Despite her high opinion of her desirability, she is well to the left side of the bell curve, and the best men who are interested in her are similarly situated on the male version of the bell curve. If she finds her male peers unsuitable, it is probably because she has rendered herself unsuitable for the better men she thinks she deserves.